Friday, October 21, 2005

why i use the drive through

fuzzy speaker and prerecorded "would you like to try our chilli-chahito-crunch-wrap-gordita-slap-grilled-stuffed-triplecheese-nacho-enchirito-burrito today?" message be damned, there are times that i realize the merit in putting up with the drive-thru shenanigans.

living in the triple duece, i should know better than setting foot inside the taco bell (they may have slapped some paint on the walls, but it still is the meth capital of clackamas county), the one (ahem) restaurant where $1.57 will fill you up.

case in point occured last night when i walked in and stepped up to the sand/taupe/cinnamon colored counter where a middle aged nutjob (pun fully intended in about a paragraph) was standing, narrating as a teenage couple ate in a nearby booth.

NUTJOB: (in play-by-play voice) ...and she takes another BIG bite!
Girl nervously giggles as boyfriend looks on...

NUTJOB: (louder play-by-play voice) I didn't know she could take such a big bite!
At this boyfriend adjusts nervously in his chair.

I step to the counter where assistant night manager wants nothing to do with the wacko that is hanging out at the counter and looks at me as if there was no crackhead yapping in our faces.

ASS. MGR.: Can I help you?

ME: Yes, I'd like--

NUTJOB: Hey it's Lance Armstrong! (clearly pointing at me)
I assume that he is unable to think of any other bald guy and so now I'm a world cyclist.

NUTJOB: (to the ass.mgr.): Hey it's nice of Lance Armstrong to visit us. This guy looks just like Lance Armstrong.

ME: Yeah, but I have both of my testicles.

NUTJOB: (laughing hysterically) Oh my God! That is hilarious! Look at him (pointing to me) he says that with a straight face. Oh man, you're a stand up comedian. That was pretty fast, and with a straight face. Seriously, that is good, you are a freakin stand up comedian right? (as he is bent over laughing saying this he continually pounds my shoulder, letting me know how funny I am)

ME: No. I teach 6th grade. I guess you have to be witty.

NUTJOB: No kidding. 6th grade, no you really are a comedian. You just made my night man.

I did manage to finish placing my order and after Nutjob received his he passed me a final time with a final shoulder punch.

NUTJOB: Thanks for makin my night man. Seriously, that made my night.

I never imagined that talking about my testicles would make a complete stranger's night. Next time, I'll use the drive thru...


At 4:36 PM, Blogger Sloop said...

Good lord. Thank god for the drive-thru.

At 11:26 AM, Blogger BethInPortland said...

You know, you are pretty damn funny. You gotta be smarter than the 6th graders these days.

At 10:10 AM, Blogger Erik said...

(captain kirk voice) must.... not... eat anymore... taco bell. we must... resist., spoooooock.

At 8:41 AM, Blogger jonny ragel said...

yes. apparently this is a nut-job kind of story. with nut-on-nuts activity. you are a comedian though. one of those smart ones. bravo. and lol.

At 8:51 AM, Blogger kazuhank said...

sloop-once again you summed up my entire post in a single sentence

beth-the jury is still out on whether i am keeping up with my 6th graders, but i keep tabs on most of them on myspace

erik-good idea... i should've gone vulcan on his ass and spock shocked him (not even spok would've wanted to mind meld w/this nut)

crash-nut were indeed on nuts. not sure why i attract all the coo-coos something about the bald pate that says 'pet me like a dog' i guess


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